Seriously, Lady.

Why did you wait for me to start peeing to spark up a conversation in the bathroom? It wasn't an urgent conversation. Wait for me to finish. Sheesh.

Also, why is the font so huge on every Explorer page I open? I don't know things about computers.

Son of a...

Man, I am so danged angry about all the stuff that I keep breaking. This time, in a truly heart-wrenching moment of fall and break-dom, I lost my poor sweet blackberry. He's there in the back on the right. So sweet, so shy. And now he's gone forever. ARGH. Man, I need a bigger kitchen. Or a better organizational model. Or something. This just isn't working.

In other news, I'm glad the hipster websites I visit can't see the lame-ass stuff I google, like "how do I turn off my iPod?" Seriously, I couldn't remember. And the battery was low. Seriously. I'm such a nerd.

A Day in the Life

Just so you're completely up to date on the "broken and dropped in the kitchen" list, I also knocked over my beloved butter dish. I think the problem is that I have no counter space whatsoever, because every spare inch is covered in a small appliance: microwave, toaster oven, coffee maker, George Foreman (I know), KitchenAid mixer. What's a girl to do?

So, picture, if you will, the following scene (circumstances have been changed to protect the non-idiotic): you work for a small corporation. The CEO of said small corporation is retiring. You work on the 5th floor, the CEO's office is on the 14th floor. It's a small company--you've been in meetings together, you've made presentations to him, and you've seen him in the elevator (even greeted him with a cheery "Good morning, Sir!"). But he doesn't come to the 5th floor. Why would he? He's got the sweet penthouse digs, you work in a glorified broom closet. So, on his last day at the office, he goes on a farewell tour with 2 senior vice presidents who are also leaving the company. One senior VP steps into your office moments before the CEO and says, "you're next." You're not wearing shoes. You're listening to Bon Jovi on Pandora radio. Your dirty dish from lunch is front and center on your desk. There's a back log of 800 PowerPoint slides to be put away covering the entire counter behind you. Did I mention you're not wearing shoes? Yeah. Obviously, the proper response to the VP's warning is to say, "OH CRAP." Then you develop a BIZARRE FACIAL TIC. Seriously. I mean, that is what you do, right? I'm not the only person who reacts this way upon being met with these circumstances. Yeah, I know.

Religious Oppression

Oh, you didn't think this was really going to be about religious oppression, did you? Well, OK, it is, in a way.

Did you know the ShamWOW guy is suing the Church of Scientology for being a bunch of a-holes? It's true. Well, that's not the official complaint or anything, but it seems that they did act pretty dick-ishly toward him. Even if he is a rather unsavory character. I totally need those towels, by the way. I definitely could have used something that could absorb Lake Michigan when I knocked over my full Brita pitcher last night in my 4' square kitchen. I don't always mind my tiny kitchen, but when there isn't even enough room in there to figure out where all the water has gone to, it's too small.

In addition to the Brita pitcher, I also knocked over a glass measuring cup I had gotten from IKEA (and loved dearly). It shattered into a trillion pieces all over my kitchen floor. Naturally, I was barefoot at the time and the broken glass was between me and the doorway out of the kitchen, so I was trapped. I had to clean it as best I could with damp paper towels. Then I crawled out of the kitchen, pushing the paper towels ahead of me to collect an loose shards. Anyway, this just goes to show I need to keep my kitchen cleaner and more organized. And I probably need to get rid of a couple dozen things, too.

Oh, right. Scientology. You know, I don't really know a lot about Scientology. It seems pretty messed up, though, because all you ever hear about it, besides the alien stuff, is how they are driving some man insane, brainwashing Katie Holmes, or stopping people from getting medical attention. I'd be curious to hear a case for Scientology, just to see how people get caught up in this stuff.

Oh, Those Crazy Popes!

About once a day (more or less), I allow myself to get sidetracked from actual work and indulge in a little bit of aimless wandering around the internets. Now, this doesn't include visiting my little list of favorite blogs, reading web comics, or checking Zappo's to see what new pink shoes they're offering. I do that before lunch. No, I mean an adventure through something innocently looked up on Wikipedia and then the links followed from the article I originally looked up...and so on and so forth. Yesterday, it was a look into the relationship of Soon-Yi Previn and Woody Allen. Weird. Also weird that so many people have such strong feelings about this relationship (or, rather, they did back when it was News).

But today, my friends, it was Gang Tattoos! I started searching for an answer to my question: In what county is Alexandria, VA? And I discovered that (a) it's an independent city and (b) they have a burgeoning gang problem, in the form of MS-13. Since I didn't know what MS-13 was, I skipped to the Wikipedia article on MS-13. And then, to gangink.com! The most remarkable thing I discovered on this website was the sheer volume of gangs that call themselves "insane." Here is a list: Imperial Insane Vice Lords, Insane C-Notes, Insane Deuces, Insane Dragons, Insane Majestics, Insane Popes (north and south side), Insane Unknowns. Not to be confused with Conservative Vice Lords. Oh, the vice lords. They're quite conservative. Unlike the liberal vice lords, who are nearly insufferable with their flamboyant socialism.

Anyway, I would like to applaud the gang community of Chicago for confronting mental illness and forming these "gangs," which I assume are something like support groups. Bravo, lads. Also, what's with all the face tattoos? Isn't that a bit much? Just wunnerin.

Cue the Angelic Chorus!

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness!!! To the left here, you will see a 16-piece Calphalon One Anodized set of pots and pans. The individual pieces of this little beauty retail for a total of $1,690. As a set, they are sold for $899.95. I picked one up Saturday that had been marked down to $150! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness. It's so lovely. It makes me feel like a fancy lady with a grown up kitchen. Instead of what I really am, which is a lady who would eat popcorn for 3 meals a day if there weren't intervening forces.

I brought it home Saturday night and my darlin' and I tore open the box (OK, more me than him) and started pulling all the pieces out. And they just kept coming! It was like a bottomless treasure chest of cookware. Truly, this was the highlight of the weekend.

Earlier that day, I had gone to look at bridesmaids dresses with my friend, Q. We only spent about 20 minutes looking, which left me wondering, how do you ever pick a dress? Going into bridal salons can be pretty overwhelming. If you don't already have an idea of what you want, you would probably never be able to make a decision. And then if you have already looked online, the things in the store can be disappointing. They never look as good as they did on the models, where they had make-up artists, lighting technicians, and set designers to bring the whole thing together. Anyway, I don't think Q is any closer to a decision now than she was when we went in there. And we'll probably end up taking a trip to the fifth circle of hell - David's Bridal - before this is all over. Blech.

On Sunday, in addition to other, more interesting things, my darlin' and I took 3 garbage bags of, well, garbage to Goodwill. Actually, I was reading on The Unclutterer that you shouldn't treat Goodwill (and other charities) like repositories for trash. If someone wouldn't want to buy it, then it belongs in the trash, not at a charity. And really, how charitable are you being if you're just bringing your trash there? Oh, right, back to the story...we went to bring the 3 bags of gently used men's clothing and books to Goodwill, where there was a line of about 12 luxury cars also waiting to drop-off donated goods. I had to laugh. And it made me think that there are probably some really good finds at that Goodwill...

Minnie the Moocher

Do you know that song? It was just on when I zipped over to Starbucks for a cup of coffee. I like it. It reminds me of an old cartoon with dancing ghosts (something I saw when I was a kid, I guess) and The Blues Brothers. Good stuff. I think one of my favorite parts of that movie is when they're leading the cops on a high speed chase through a mall and Elwood is talking very calmly about the Pier One that just opened there.

So, I ordered some clothes yesterday and today from the internets. I've been complaining for about a year about how hard it is to be too poor to constantly buy new clothes. It's not that I constantly want to buy new clothes. Well, OK, it is. But it's more that I'm particularly hard on my clothes. I don't know what the deal is. I'm pretty sure it's my Hulk-like mannerisms that result in torn hems, popped buttons, and stains on every blessed thing I own. But there has to be something else to that. I don't know what it may be, but I refuse to believe it's just me. Maybe I need to buy clothes of a better quality.

Today I am wearing a red cardigan I bought from Old Navy when I was in college. I daresay it was 2003 when I purchased this sweater. And it's still going strong. How is it possible that this is one of the most durable items in my closet? Under neat that, I am wearing a white t-shirt thingy I bought at Target that is so stained up I'm embarrassed to acknowledge its existence. And yet this is what I wear to work. Good thing they don't let me out of the office much.

Oh, right, the new clothes. I purchased a few new shirts. Three of them are for my day job here. The other two are for my work at Retail Store, where I think they are probably getting tired of seeing me wear the exact same thing every time I work. The only outfit requirements are that I look nice and don't wear tennis shoes. And I bought a dress for my sister's rehearsal and the subsequent dinner. And a dress to wear to my day job. I'm a little nervous about both of them. What if they're too short? Too tight? Curse you, online shopping!

Does anyone know a good dry cleaner in the Alexandria/NoVA/DC area? The last cleaner I went to didn't actually clean my clothes. In fact, they didn't even pretend to clean my clothes by just pressing them and leaving them dirty. I'm pretty sure they just hung them on hangers and called it a day, then charged me $5/piece. Boo to that, dry cleaner.